The Best Laid Plans...

The plan was simple.  Write the post, publish it on Friday.  My new blog, up and running under a dead line.  Only I lost the post.  For some reason, when I opened it, it wasn't there.  ???  Of course, this made me angry.  For the better part of the morning, I've been saying, "Forget it!  It wasn't meant to be."  Only I still want to talk.  Always.

Almost five years ago, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Stage 3.  They say incurable - because "they" don't know who they are dealing with!  Since then I have been coming to grips with my own mortality.  In doing so, I've decided a have a few things to say.  Things that I've learned.  It occurred to me that I may not be around long enough to impart my wisdom when someone might actually NEED it.  If I could, in one place, put down what I know about life, beauty, relationships, family, as well as books I've read, movies I see, trips I take and whatever else catches my fancy, I might be able to share a few of my hard fought lessons (and for me every lesson is learned the hard way.  That is the only way something really "sticks"), it might be useful to someone and it keeps me entertained.

With that in mind, the idea of this blog has been running around in my head for some time.  There are a few things that I am still negotiating getting past.  Number one of which is the diverse nature of my acquaintanceships. Without going into a whole, "in the beginning I was born" saga, suffice it to say that because of my upbringing in church and Christian schools, I have many friends who are strictly religious.  Actual ministers.  However, having the nine lives of a cat, that is not the be all, end all of my existence and I have other friends who are...well...NOT religiously adherent.  My problem has been, how do I incorporate all sides of myself into a blog that everyone might be interested in reading, without insulting anyone?  Here is my confession -I'm disgustingly honest and I, at times, have a foul mouth.  I couldn't reconcile myself to censoring my language in order to please everyone.  So my very first post comes with a warning: Everyone is probably going to be offended by me at some point or another.  I'm OK with that, being who I am.  I only wanted to put out there that if you can't accept that some days I'll be cursing and other days I'll be quoting scripture, this probably isn't the place for you.  Because this is the place for ME.  Where I get to say what I want and you can take it or leave it, as you will.  I hope you'll at least give it a chance - because seriously, the whole blogging thing isn't any fun at all unless people are reading it and sharing it.

Thus arose the idea of being HONEST and TRUTHFUL.  Me, coming clean with you all about my potty mouth, and the inspiration for my first blog entry.  This is what I KNOW  - I can't be less honest about myself.  I've been working for years on becoming the most sincere form of myself that I can be.  When I was 17, I had a lot of heavy family stuff going on in my life and I swear to you that I honestly thought, "I just don't have it in me right now to pretend to be something I'm not."  At school, at home, just in general, I gave up the whole premise of trying to be cool to be popular, or trying to achieve some sort of glib nonchalance with the world.  I sort of just put my head down and focused on what was real and good and important. 

Then I couldn't go back.  All around me I saw people being...liars.  Pretending to do or say one thing and then actually doing another. Saying with their mouths that they were a certain kind of person, then proving with their actions that they were NOT that kind of person.  I was getting suspended from school for the same things everyone else was doing (I told you, parochial religious school) because I wouldn't lie about what what I was up to.  I messed about in my 20's with not being 100% honest.  Mostly for the sake of whatever relationship I was in.  All that is another story - but I'll tell you what I found out from my research in that department - those relationships didn't work out.  How could they?  I wasn't being my true self and how could I expect someone to fall in love with whatever it was I had created?  With something that wasn't completely HONEST?    By the time I moved to Montana, I was 28 and completely finished with being something I was not.  Which has led directly to the lippy broad you find here.  I don't care what people think.  I care that I am trying to present the most honest interpretation of myself that I can put out into this wide world. 

Because of that religious background, I honestly believe it is IMPERATIVE to be honest and true.  I'm not hiding from GOD who I am and the rest of y'all don't matter after that.  If I curse, if I smoke, if I drink while listening to rock and roll in front of YOU, what is that?  Nothing, but me being who I am. I also feel, religiously, that this may be the ONE area where I've gotten it RIGHT.  Not bragging, not trying to paint myself in any way as "better" than anyone else, just putting it out there that I'm pretty happy with what I've learned in this area and with the results.  I KNOW that when you aren't being who you really are, you spend a lot of time trying to be someone that you aren't.  It's exhausting.  I suggest you not even TRY.  That is what I've done.  Some of you may find that shocking.  Others of you are thinking, "why is she banging on about it?  We all know she's hideous."  Just me reconciling all parts of myself into one lengthy and probably unnecessary introduction. 

I'm glad if you decide to stay and read more ramblings from an often incoherent mind.  If you find you can't follow me for one reason or another, that's okay too.  Love and light and all that.  It should at very least be entertaining...for ME anyway.

Welcome to my blog!